Similar to last week's blog post... not only do a lot of entities weigh in on "who" gets to be sexy... but there is also a whole lot of weighing in on what gets to be considered a "successful sexual encounter." What type of sex is the "right" kind of sex that I/we should be having? And these are the messages that tend to abound in the media we digest and the cultural "norms" floating around family/friend/community systems:
PRIMARILY INVOLVING TWO PEOPLE --- HETEROSEXUAL --- PRIMARILY PENIS IN VAGINA SEX (WITH THE FOLLOW UP BEING FEMALE GIVING MALE ORAL SEX) --- PENIS NATURALLY ERECT WHENEVER NECESSARY --- VAGINA NATURALLY LUBRICATED WHENEVER SEX WILL HAPPEN --- FEMALE ORGASM THROUGH PENIS IN VAGINA SEX --- SPONTANEOUS DESIRE NATURALLY HAPPENS FOR BOTH PARTNERS --- MATCHING LIBIDOS (OR MALE WITH HIGHER & FEMALE WITH LOWER) --- NO NEED TO DISCUSS BIRTH CONTROL OR STI CARE/PREVENTION --- ORGASM HAPPENS FOR ALL PARTIES EVERY TIME AND SIMULTANEOUSLY --- ROMANTIC BACKDROP --- NO NEED FOR MUCH VERBAL COMMUNICATION BECAUSE PARTNERS KNOW NATURALLY WHAT FEELS GOOD TO THE OTHER --- NO NEED FOR PLANNING (HAPPENS ORGANICALLY) --- IF THE COUPLE IS "IN LOVE" THEY WON'T HAVE ANY PROBLEMS --- AT A CERTAIN FREQUENCY ---
(please add to this list through the comments section... I want your input!)
It is astounding how many messages we get about whether or not we are having the "right type" of sex. People come to me often with these types of concerns and questions. "I can only have an orgasm if I use a vibrator." "I can only get an erection if I manually stimulate myself first." "Why do I need lubrication? Why can't my body do that on its own." "I'm concerned we are not having enough sex." "Why can't I have an orgasm at the same time my husband does?" "Why does it take me so long (or not long enough) to orgasm?"
This is just a small sample of the types of questions I get. And not necessarily attached to dissatisfaction. In other words... they enjoy the sex they are having... or the types of orgasm they have figured out how to have... but they worry that it's not the "right type," because of the messages telling us there are certain, "ideal" ways to go about being sexual. And if their experiences don't match those... then they are left feeling like they must be missing out or doing something wrong.
This is just not true....